Tag: solo female travel

  • State of the Holistic Self-Defense Revolution

    State of the Holistic Self-Defense Revolution

    Find your NO. Live your YES.

    We are Mujeres Fuertes.  As a Costa Rican-based social business, we are dedicated to supporting women, children, and all people to live lives free from fear and full of confidence through holistic self-defense workshops. 

    Our fundraiser seeks to raise sufficient funds to cover 2 years of operations and development. To reach more people, we need to develop our team of instructors and administrators to organize more trainings in more places. We want to realize our goal of being self-sustaining so that we can reach exponentially more people with our self-defense methodology.

    Give me the cliff notes, please!

    • Support a holistic self-defense project based in Costa Rica to scale up, become self-sustainable, and ensure long-term impact! (Think tens of thousands of students reached with our violence prevention methodology, at least.)
    • Our goal: $60,000 
    • What it will achieve: a 2-year runway to cover all operating and development costs
    • The pitch: Change lives. Prevent violence. Help us build a thriving community centered on empowerment and healing.
    • What’s the catch? There is none! 100% of your donation will go towards realizing our vision for delivering our self-defense training at a MUCH bigger scale! (Even if we don’t hit our full goal, we will be on our way.)

    State of the Holistic Self-Defense Revolution: Donor & Ally Update

    A huge thank you to all who joined us for our end-of-year ‘State of the Holistic Self-Defense Revolution’ event! And another huge thank you to the donors, allies and mentors who have made it possible to come so far in just a few short years!

    Youtube video

    What is Mujeres Fuertes Autodefensa (Strong Women Self-Defense)?

    Mujeres Fuertes is a Costa Rican-based social business dedicated to supporting women, children, and all people to live lives free from fear and full of confidence. Our holistic self-defense methodology connects our participants with a sense of power, freedom and agency through physical skills, communication strategies, mindfulness practices, and healing arts and connection. We offer profoundly transformative experiences, with a unique perspective on self-defense, empowerment, and learning.

    We work with various community, organizational and corporate allies to bring our holistic self-defense methodology to as many people as possible.

    In the interest of scaling our impact, since 2022 we have begun to shift our focus towards training trainers. Our yearly instructor training program prepares people of all backgrounds to confidently teach holistic self-defense in their communities.

    For the past 5 years, with plenty of help from incredible friends and allies in Costa Rica and around the world, I have sustained taken Mujeres Fuertes as a passion project. We have not generated enough income to regularly pay a team, so our team has been largely volunteer-based, and fueled by a lot of love, but very few monetary resources. 

    Despite such limited resources, we have managed to:

    • Run an “empowerment tour” of Costa Rica, visiting 11 locations in just 2 weeks to deliver 12 introductory ESD workshops.
    • Produced a documentary about the tour and about our violence prevention methodology with an all-women production team and a crowdfunded micro-budget.
    • Deliver thousands of hours of self-defense training around Costa Rica, and around Central America.
    • Reached thousands of students of all ages and social backgrounds.
    • Provided scholarships, work exchanges, or low-cost access to those who could not afford to participate at-cost.
    • Developed an online course that provides our full self-defense methodology at a low cost to anyone with an internet connection and a personal device.
    • Cultivated a community of students, allies and friends who are as passionate about our violence prevention work as we are.
    • Trained our first generation of holistic self-defense instructors in Costa Rica (10 women trained in 2022, and another 10+ to be trained in September of 2023).

    All of this because we believe deeply and fiercely in the value of this work. We don’t just dream of a world free from violence, where all people live with the freedom and confidence to exist as they are and move through the world however they desire… we work to make that world a reality every single day.

    The Catch 22: Without the resources to pay a team, we are stuck at a flexion point. 

    To reach more people, we need a proper team of instructors and administrators to organize more trainings in more places. To become truly self-sustaining, and ultimately to thrive, we need more clients—schools, districts, businesses and NGOs that wish to offer regular Empowerment Self-Defense (ESD) classes. To realize our vision, we need two things:

    1. More instructors fully trained and ready to give workshops on their own, first in Costa Rica, then around the region, and maybe one day… all over the world! (In the works as we speak! In the first days of August 2023, we ran a 2-day training with 6 of our most dedicated new instructors to provide additional training, strengthen our community ties, and get reenergized and re-inspired. In December of 2023 we ran the First National Gathering of Holistic Self-Defense Instructors in Costa Rica. We hope to make it an annual or bi-annual event to deepen our network and keep training up.)
    2. Money to pay our team to conduct outreach, manage social media, administrate our online and in-person workshops, provide ongoing professional training for our instructors, and cultivate community with regular gatherings and spaces for practice and support.

    Where will your money go?

    I believe in paying people what they deserve for the work they do. To realize this vision for a scaled-up project that can reach exponentially more people with our self-defense methodology and ultimately sustain itself (by holding onto a percentage of all fees charged for workshops and courses to pay our team and other organizational costs).

    “I dream of making a living doing what I would do for free.”

    —Mariel Carmona, long-time Mujeres Fuertes assistant, dear friend, and one of the first generation of instructors trained by Mujeres Fuertes in 2022.

    Every cent of your donation (with the exception of the transaction fees charged by this platform) will go towards the operating costs outlined below. All team members have been involved in this project for years and have demonstrated their passion for and commitment to its long-term success. What’s more, all administrative team members, as well as those in training to become members of our instructor team, are Costa Rican women, the right people to carry Mujeres Fuertes into its most sustainable, mission-centered and ethically aligned future.

    This fundraiser seeks to raise sufficient funds to cover 2 years of operations and development. Even if we do not reach this goal, any amount will support our ongoing sustainability and bring us closer to our long-term vision.

    We are a firmly anti-capitalist social business wholly unfit for traditional investment (registered in Costa Rica), and you can be assured that every cent of your contribution will go towards paying our team what they deserve to earn for the work they are driven to do by purpose, passion, and the belief that a more beautiful world is possible.

    With a two-year runway to conduct ongoing outreach, build client relationships and partnerships, and level up our digital marketing, we believe that this project can become self-sustaining, thus potentiating the scaling of our impact–first in Costa Rica, then in Central America, and finally… taking over the world! (But, you know, in a non-violent, feminist kind of way. 😉 )

    Currently, our only source of revenue is workshop participant or client fees, most of which goes to pay facilitators. Most workshops are offered on a sliding scale for payment, because we want this material to be accessible to everyone. And so, while we are not a nonprofit, we operate with a mission-first value system.

    You Can Make THE Difference

    See our fundraiser page (or watch the video above) for the full breakdown of our projected costs and growth strategy.

    I am asking YOU for your support to realize the full potential of this project. We have done so much already, and… it is only the beginning. Mujeres Fuertes (Strong Women) has already reached thousands with a research-backed violence prevention methodology, holistic healing arts, and meaningful networks of community and support. Now, we want to reach tens of thousands… to start!

    Will you help us to change lives, prevent violence, and build a future of peace, empowerment, and connection?

    Thank you so much for your support!

  • Yes, I’m Traveling Solo: Self-Defense as a Path to Freedom

    Yes, I’m Traveling Solo: Self-Defense as a Path to Freedom

    Ometepe, Nicaragua | January, 2023 | Photo: Thomas Blanc

    Safety is a human right. So is solitude.

    Solo female travel? That’s not possible. It’s too dangerous. Women shouldn’t do that. You should never travel alone. What if you get kidnapped? Aren’t you scared? Go with someone, a friend, a partner—ideally a man.

    As a woman, I have heard every argument in the book against going out into the big, bad world on my own. The fears and warnings above are just the tip of the iceberg.

    These questions/concerns do not intend to fear-monger. They come from friends, parents, uncles, lovers, and well-meaning readers—people who want to see me safe and well. Yet it seemed unfair from the outset that I had to bear the brunt of my family’s concern as I traveled solo, while my older brother had jetted off first without much ado. The double standard always chafed. Of course it all came from love, but that’s not the point. 

    Why did everyone worry so much about my safety, and yet no one ever suggested I take it into my own hands?

    The problem is not so easily reduced to a few knee-jerk comments and Hollywood-induced travel phobias alone. Rather, it’s how these well-intentioned aphorisms reinforce an out-dated social contract that discourages women from enjoying the same freedoms men do that does the bulk of the harm.

    There is a depressing kind of fatalism in writing off solo travel for women forever because, “the world is a dangerous place,” rather than consider, for a moment, that there might be solutions. That there might be strategies for personal safety that do not come at the high cost of freedom and adventure.

    For most of my years of solo travel, I got by on instinct and bravado. “Fake it ‘til you make it” was my response to getting lost, harassed, followed, or accosted. Act like you know where you’re going, like you’re fearless, like you’re unshakeable. Most people will believe it. Eventually, you will too.

    And while this worked, I made it through a decade of solo adventures unscathed, I still lacked some basic tools to not only stay safe, but also enjoy solo travel more. 

    In 2018, however, I seized an opportunity to train as an Empowerment Self-Defense instructor with ESD Global, an organization dedicated to women’s safety around the globe. Realizing that many women yearned to travel solo, but were held back by fear, I decided to offer more than just words of advice or encouragement. It was time for practical skills.

    Action is the antidote to fear. 

    Developed over the past 50 years by female martial artists and violence prevention experts, ESD teaches a compelling mix of physical techniques and verbal strategies for deescalation and boundary setting. 

    It was the missing link, a one-stop shop for women desiring to feel both safer and freer in any environment. After nearly four years teaching this methodology across Central America, I can confidently attest to the transformative power of discovering our inner fire. Knowing what our body and voice can do, and trusting we know exactly how to use them, instills cultivates a valuable baseline of confidence and self-reliance for solo female travelers.

    Amalfi Coast, Italy | November 2023 | Photo: Thomas Blanc

    Below are my 5 go-to strategies for staying safe as you travel, without sacrificing a single glorious moment of your solo adventure.

    1. Listen to Your Intuition 
      Women too often internalize the social conditioning that everyone else knows more about our boundaries and our bodies than we do. In fact, we know very well when a situation is unsafe and, conversely, when we can relax and settle.Intuition is the soft, quiet voice that whispers in your gut, “Yes.” “No.” “This way, not that way.” “Danger.” “All clear. The trick is learning to listen, and then trust that voice. When we are conditioned to ignore our gut, intuition feels ungrounded and impractical.In fact, it is very much the opposite. Intuition warns us when a person, place or situation is potentially dangerous. It may feel like tightness in the chest or belly, shaking in the hands or legs, buzzing in the forehead, or a general sense of tension or closing in. And, it will guide us to know when to trust new friends or dive into “risky” adventures. That may feel like openness in the chest, relaxation or softness in the belly or jaw, or a general feeling of leaning in. The more we heed these signs and engage with our intuitive mind, the sharper it will become.We can practice listening to our intuition in small ways—eating when hungry, resting when tired, changing position or taking a deep breath when our body asks for it—and with mindfulness practices such as yoga, meditation, martial arts, or unhurried time in nature.
    2. Understand “The Interview”
      The interview is a well-documented occurrence in gender-based violence, whereby a potential attacker “interviews” a potential victim by slowly and progressively pushing her boundaries to see if or when she will act in self-defense.Whereas popular culture leads us to think that violence against women is sudden and unexpected, most attacks are in fact slow and deliberate. Each step of the interview is an opportunity to set a boundary: They follow you in the street or on the trail. They start to ask you personal questions on the bus or at your campsite. They touch you in a way that feels uncomfortable. They don’t respect your “no.”We will often wait to be “sure” of a person’s intentions before setting a hard boundary or expressing a firm “no.”Fear of offending or overreacting leads us to disregard our own needs and our own intuition to avoid rocking the boat. This is exactly what a would-be attacker is counting on. The sooner you can identify an “interview” situation while traveling, the more easefully you can de-escalate, speak up, escape, seek support, or otherwise stay safe.
    3. Use Your Voice
      Be loud, assertive, and unapologetic. The best way to stop “the interview” in its tracks is to use one of the most powerful weapons in our arsenal: our voice. Setting clear, firm boundaries can deter a would-be attacker and deescalate a potentially violent situation before it starts. Your intuition will tell you when and how to use your voice, be it calmly stating a boundary, or shouting “NO” at the top of your lungs.
      Women often learn from a very young age to stay quiet, to play nice. And so it takes practice to override this conditioning and train ourselves to speak up when we feel uncomfortable or unsafe. It is vital that we do so, however. In a situation of attempted assault, it can save our life. (Note: Using the voice is not about calling for help, although we can also ask for support from bystanders if that feels like an option. Activating the voice connects us to our own core power, disrupts the “freeze” response to danger, and also discourages a potential attacker.)
    4. Stay (& Look) Aware
      Whether on the road, in the woods, or right at home in your neighborhood, awareness is key for personal safety. Staying vigilant—no need for stress or tension—not only helps us to identify danger or risk well before it becomes an emergency; it also can help us get oriented in a new environment, observe more details and beauty along our journey, and enjoy our adventure with full-bodied presence. As we rely more and more heavily on technology for navigation and communication, we may feel the urge to check our phones frequently. As a traveler, the best thing you can do is keep your eyes up, phone away, and look and act like you are confident and at ease, regardless of how you feel.
      Keeping your shoulders back, your chin up, your gaze relaxed and alert, and your feet wide serves two purposes: It communicates to the outside world that you are confident and aware (and you are). And, it sends a message to your own brain and body that you are not afraid to take up space, increasing your self-confidence and security at a cellular level.
    5. Keep it in Context
      Let’s put the concept of women’s safety in context. At least 90% of gender-based violence worldwide is perpetrated by someone known to the victim. 59% by an intimate partner. The “stranger danger” narrative of personal safety and self-defense ignores the bigger picture: As women, we are not at higher risk out in the woods or on the road. In fact, we may be safer there. Despite the cultural narrative around personal safety, all the fears and warnings I shared above, solo female travel is not in fact more dangerous than being a woman at home, at work, or in a relationship. So if doubts about safety are holding you back, or if friends or family challenge your travel choices, it may be helpful to consider that just being a woman is risky stuff.
      Staying home won’t necessarily keep you safe, and neither will staying close to friends or significant others. At times, these may in fact pose a greater threat. So you might as well go out there solo and live your adventure. (If you would like to dive deeper into this kind of training, I recommend exploring ESD or IMPACT Personal Safety Classes in your area.)

    Empowerment Self-Defense is about offering new options and alternatives, not tossing out all the strategies we already have. I know every single one of you already has a toolkit packed with self-defense techniques, whether you call them by that name or another.

    So what would you add to this list? What are your go-to strategies for feeling secure and confident on your solo adventures? Share your experience in the comments!

    Originally published on Roofnest.

    Learn more about my empowerment self-defense work at www.mujeresfuertes.org, or support our fundraising efforts here.

  • Assertive Communication for Solo Female Travelers

    Assertive Communication for Solo Female Travelers

    assertive communication, envision festival, empowerment self-defense
    Teaching Empowerment Self-Defense & Assertive Communication at Envision Festival, March 2023.
    Photo Credit: Hestia Photo Experience.

    Originally published on Roofnest.

    How to set boundaries and utilize assertive communication tools in any culture and any situation

    Stories of harassment and stalking for solo female travelers are a dime a dozen. At home as much as on the road, a woman’s body, space, and boundaries are liable to be disrespected on a daily basis. Assertive communication can make a world of difference—wherever you want to go in the world.

    Harassment is an unforgivably common part of the female experience, and it has become unremarkable in its ubiquity. However, just because we have normalized this behavior, that does not mean it is in any way acceptable. 

    Particularly for women traveling alone, harassment can be a serious issue, causing feelings of insecurity, potentially leading to serious danger, and almost always turning an epic adventure into a battle for basic respect. The good news? It is entirely possible—and necessary!—to communicate and enforce boundaries with grounded assertiveness whenever you feel unsafe or at risk. 

    It may feel uncomfortable at first. That’s okay. It gets easier. You’ll probably even start to enjoy your newfound no-nonsense communication style after a while. 

    You have a right to move through the world without the socially mandated protection of a travel companion or partner. You have a right to define and defend your boundaries, regardless of who is traveling beside you—if anyone.

    As women, as travelers, and as human beings, we have an opportunity to practice setting and standing up for our boundaries in small ways every single day. As a self-defense instructor, I believe it is imperative that we do so.

    In this blog I will share my top three strategies for boundary setting and assertive communication. These are my favorite verbal techniques to teach in my self-defense workshops, and I believe they are critical skills to practice in daily life—whether in your home territory, out on the road, or on the other side of the world.

    Note: While it is good to push beyond your comfort zone and engage with an unfamiliar culture as much as possible, a hard no is still a hard no. Cultural differences are real, and may impact norms around communication, personal space and physical affection. Nonetheless, you are in charge of your body and your space, and ultimately you decide what is okay for you, and what isn’t.

    3 Fundamental Boundary Setting Techniques for Solo Female Travelers:

    1. Say No. As a solo traveler, you should quickly get comfortable with saying no: “No, I don’t need a taxi.” “No, I don’t want a guide.” “No, thank you, that’s beautiful, but I don’t want to buy it.” It can be a “no” with a smile, or a “no, but thank you so much.” However, if the message isn’t getting across with gentle, polite communication, sometimes you have to be more assertive: “I said no,” on repeat, with an even, low tone of voice and confident posture, usually gets results.

      Unfortunately, just about anywhere you go in the world, a woman’s “no” doesn’t receive the same immediate respect as a man’s. Nevertheless, “no” is a complete sentence, requiring neither apology nor explanation. Do not fall into the trap of negotiating over your no, or you will end up spending time, money, and energy on conversations, things, and people you don’t actually want. Of course you can apologize or explain if you want to. The point, as I am constantly reminding students in my self-defense classes, is that it is a choice, not an obligation.
    2. Be a Broken Record. When dealing with harassment—unwanted touch, flirtation, or other behavior—a similar technique works well. Choose one line (e.g. “I don’t want to talk right now.” “Do not touch me.” “Leave me alone.”) and stick with it. It is hard to argue or manipulate past stolid repetition. Be a broken record, repeating your one, assertive line until the person gets the message. There is no need to shout or get defensive unless the harasser becomes more threatening.

      A low, even tone, confident body language, and a refusal to enter into any negotiations (but why? Come on… I’m just being nice, etc.) can put a stop to a lot of unwanted behaviors.
    3. Name and Change It. An alternative strategy involves “naming” the behavior we want to change or stop. This is one of my favorite techniques. 

      We first name the behavior (e.g. “Your hand is on my leg.” “You’re staring at me.” “You’re following me.”) without questions or qualifications. Questions invite response, denial, or negotiation. In a dangerous or uncomfortable situation, we don’t want to start a conversation or argue over the facts; we just want to make the necessary changes to feel safe. 

      After naming the behavior, we demand the change we wish to see (e.g. “Stop touching me.” “Leave me alone.”) without feeling obliged to ask nicely or say please. If once is not enough, we can return to repetition until the message lands.

      I love this technique for several reasons. First, it leaves no room for doubt; we both know what’s going on here, and we’re not going to argue over that. Second, it alerts any bystanders to the situation. Finally, it clearly states a boundary: “You’re doing this. I don’t want you to. Stop.” If the behavior persists, we then know a person does not respect our boundaries or care about our needs.

      If the situation calls for it, you may also want to turn up the volume. Yelling has been shown to prevent as many as 50% of assaults against women. The voice is a powerful self-defense tool. To yell effectively, be sure to use your belly—singers, actors, and public speakers will already know how to do that—to protect your vocal chords and bring more power and resonance to your voice. I encourage trying this at home! Tell your neighbors you’re taking an acting class (this explains everything), grab a few friends, blast some music, and practice shouting “NO!” as loud as you can. Remember to yell from your center; it can be helpful to keep your hands on your belly as a tactile reminder when practicing.

      People who attack, assault, or harass other people are not superhumans. They are vulnerable to someone shouting in their face, the shame of being called out publicly, or the human discomfort of being confronted directly with their bad behavior. While it should never, ever be anyone’s responsibility to avoid assault or harassment—and a victim is never, ever to blame—these are real risks, especially for women, everywhere in the world. Whether close to home or abroad, we should all feel prepared to take our safety into our own hands.

      Solo travelers, what are your go-to strategies for setting boundaries and keeping your communication clear and assertive? Share your wisdom in the comments!

      Want to learn more solo travel safety tips? Check out these 5 Essential Safety Strategies for Solo Travel.
  • On Growing Wings & The Value of Figuring It Out for Yourself

    On Growing Wings & The Value of Figuring It Out for Yourself

    wings

    I have the clearest memory of asking my father for help tying my shoes.

    I was sitting on the bottom step of our unfinished basement—I must have been around four years old—trying to remember something about a rabbit and a hole. And there was my father, who already had all the knowledge I needed about shoelaces and rabbits; he could help me.

    But instead he said, “You can tie your shoes yourself.”

    And I did.

    Maybe that memory is real. Maybe my mind constructed it out of dozens of memories like it. I don’t think it matters.

    My parents pushed me to “tie my own shoes” throughout my childhood in countless ways, large and small. It’s one of the gifts for which I’m most grateful. Without a doubt there is a fine balance between holding a child’s hand and pushing them out into the world alone. I have no idea what that balance is—one of many reasons I’m not a parent.

    As an adult, I’ve made a religion of self-sufficiency. Perhaps I’ve taken it to too much of an extreme, but that is what I have done. Solo travel, distance walks, one-way flights to countries where I know nobody, constant seeking for edges—my own, and the world’s…

    Some people are adrenaline junkies. The Unknown gives me my high.

    When I moved to Cape Town for the first time in early 2016, I didn’t know anyone there. I came with a name—a friend of a friend—and an address. When I found out that the house I’d already paid a deposit on was nowhere near the center of the city, I hitchhiked my way to climbing gyms, dance classes, and cozy cafes until I figured out the informal shared taxis.

    Would it have been easier to have friends, family, or resources at my disposal, ready to give me rides, show me the ropes of a chaotic transport system, and introduce me to new friends? I’m sure it would have—but then, would I have learned as much?

    I’m a firm believer that we grow fastest and fly farthest when we push ourselves well beyond our comfort zones. Experience has taught me a key paradox to traveling (and living) in a state of discovery: To thrive outside our comfort zone, we must trust, absolutely, that we can thrive outside our comfort zone. But to truly believe in our capacity for flight, we have to fly.

    In essence:

    “We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.” — Kurt Vonnegut

    Now, there are a few key elements to this jumping-off-cliffs-and-growing-wings business…

    First, that balance. We are none of us an island, as a wise writer once said, more or less. For every cliff we jump off alone, there may well be another to whom we say, “not today,” and third on which we find a companion to hold our hand on the way down. Balance.

    Second, support. While my parents were teaching me to tie my own shoes, they were also giving me love and support every step of the way. I am blessed to know that my family and friends are always there, ready to cheer me on when I fly, or pick me up if I take any knocks on the way down. Family, friends, community—a support system, even if we never call on it, makes it so much easier to jump.

    Third, will. You could argue that personality or background determine our ability to grow wings, and I would disagree with you. While stubbornness is my dominant personality trait, and I don’t like following directions, I have met so many others far more resourceful than I, of every possible personality type and cultural background. I don’t believe it is personality; it’s will. Tautological though it may sound, to figure it out for yourself, you have to want to figure it out for yourself.

    To grow wings, you have to grow wings.

    Easy?

    Wrong question. It’s possible, and that’s really all we need to know.

    Happy flying!

    Many thanks to a good friend here in Costa Rica, whose conversation on this subject pushed me to articulate what exactly I think about it!

  • As Long As You’re Moving, You’re On Your Path.

    As Long As You’re Moving, You’re On Your Path.

    In this moment of deep transition, a few brief thoughts on “following our path,” and what that really means.

    A well-intentioned friend recently cautioned me about falling too far from my path as I meander, in my peculiar way, through experience and discovery.

    I had to laugh. Such words of caution beg the question.

    If we do not believe there is One True Path, how can we fall from it?

    pathKinetic Freedom

    I am on my path.

    It twists and curves riotously, joyously. It is sheer movement.

    Angels dance on wingtips overhead, and devils on their tails below. They sing together of freedom.

    I am not lost, my dear. Or, if I am, I do not wish to be found.

    Because there is wilding here, on my path. There is witching, here on my path. There is wonder and meaning and laughter and growth—here on my path.

    And on yours too, I have no doubt. I never claimed to walk the One True Path.

    I know only a little about kinetic freedom, and it is enough to keep me spinning, spinning, spinning recklessly through parabolas and whorls—along this path that is unfailingly mine. Always changing. Always growing with me.

    I choose it for myself.

    No one is “falling” here. Only dancing.

    As long as you’re dancing, you are on your path. As long as you’re moving, you are on your path. As long as you can read your footprints in the sand, you are on your path.

    Choose it.

    Next Stop: Costa Rica. Home for the next 12 months. Hasta luego!

     

    Photo Credit: A Different Story

  • How to Go Out Alone (& Not Hate It)

    How to Go Out Alone (& Not Hate It)

    It’s 2009, and I’m eighteen. Paris is home for the year.

    It’s a chilly night in early winter. Ten or eleven o’clock. I’ve just gotten off the metro somewhere in the center of the city.

    Buzz. Buzz. The text messages, which don’t yet reach underground, arrive in a flurry. “Can’t make it.” “Running late. Might bail.” “May come later. Not sure.”

    Well shit. I’m not going in there alone. My first instinct is to flee right back the way I came.

    But then I glance at the bar—warmly lit wood and brass, clientele dressed in the ultra-chic black uniform of the city—and my natural stubborn streak takes over.

    So what if no one else is coming? It’s Friday night, and it took me forty-five minutes to get here. I’ll be damned if I go home without at least checking out the scene.

    I open the door. Step into the warm light. Rest an elbow on the narrow wooden bar. Order a glass of wine—white, I think.

    The clamor of several dozen voices reaches my ears at once. I absorb it as I sip my wine, but before long someone strikes up a conversation with me, and my focus narrows to just one. I practice my French. Find that it comes easily with strangers, without pressure. Somehow I find myself at a table with a dozen young people from the south of France. Celebrating a birthday—I think.

    The evening flows, and I leave for home many hours later, glowing with perverse satisfaction more than anything. I went out alone, and it didn’t suck. So there, world!

    I’ve been meaning to write this piece for years. All credit goes to the friend who asked me last week what I did about going out alone when I travel: Thank you for reminding me.

    That night in Paris was, in a way, a pivotal moment in my solo travel career. It’s one thing to hop on a train alone, sightsee alone, or even eat at a restaurant alone. We might do all of these things with ease, yet panic at the thought of entering a bar or club without backup. And by “we” I mostly mean “we women,” as that is the experience I feel I can speak to.

    Why? Why is this the impassable limit of independence?

    Well, first off, we’ve had it drilled into our heads that this simply is not done. That old fear rhetoric strikes again. Creepy guys, lechy guys, drunk guys; social stigma, weird looks, pitying stares; feeling lonely, awkward, unpopular, uncomfortable—

    Ahhh stop! Forget it. Let’s never go out alone. We’re convinced. Right?

    No! Let’s go out alone, because, as usual, reality is better than our imagination—and certainly better than our nightmares.

    I went to bed that November night in Paris feeling empowered. “Not sucking” may seem like a low bar for an evening out, but when we’re conditioned to expect utter disaster from any solo foray into social adventures, “not sucking” is actually high achievement.

    In the years since, I’ve often gone to pubs, live shows, dance clubs, bars, and festivals alone. Sometimes I even—gasp—prefer it. Story for another time.

    going out alone, dance, dancing

    I think the “how” of going out alone is fairly self-explanatory, but I’d break it down something like this:

    > No expectations/low expectations. If you’ll happily go home disappointed, a nice evening out is a pleasant surprise.
    >> Stay sober-ish. Obvious. Safety in self-possession, especially if you’re trying the solo adventure thing.
    >> Stay open—to possibility, to people, to surroundings. There’s potential in everything.
    >> But be prepared to deflect all the kinds of creepy. Welcome to the world. Books are excellent shields. So are crazy-arm, spinning-jumping dance moves.
    >> Just open the damn door and go in.

    Worst case scenario? It’s terrible, you go home, and you can blame me later for even suggesting such a thing.

    Best case scenario? You learn that you truly can do anything, because you’re a badass, and life isn’t as scary as everyone tells you.

    Cheers!

  • 12 Ways to Move/Travel to a New City/Country Where you Don’t Know Anyone—and Totally Rock It

    12 Ways to Move/Travel to a New City/Country Where you Don’t Know Anyone—and Totally Rock It

    I write about venturing into the unknown often.

    You might say it’s my favorite theme—in life and in art. You could say it’s my greatest fear—in love and in travel. You could say it is a subject so rich and fascinating it proves an inexhaustible source of meaning and poetry.

    You could say any of those things, and you would be right.

    Ah, the not-knowing…it is terrifying, exhilarating, life-affirming indeed. But maybe you want a bit more practicality and a bit less poetry; maybe you have concrete travel plans on the horizon (even tenuous possibilities or dreams), and poetic rambling philosophizing isn’t helping all that much. I get that.

    I drop myself into cities and countries where I know no one on a regular basis. I enjoy the challenge and the freedom, but I also forget that this is a practice like any other, and may seem somewhat inaccessible at first. I want to demystify it.

    The following suggestions stem from my years of solo traveling. I don’t necessarily follow them all for every trip, but one could in theory. I believe each one has a deep potential to cushion the fall into unknown territory.

    1. Reach out to friends and acquaintances.
    A simple “Do I know anyone in _____?” on Facebook can yield unexpected results. This method has found me friends (and often couches) in otherwise totally anonymous destinations from Prague and Montenegro to Berlin, Sicily and more.

    2. Mine for connections.
    Social media is a multifaceted beast, but it really comes in handy for certain kinds of travel. Asking my Facebook friends (and sometimes blog followers), “Does anyone have any connections in ___?” in the past has found me a house to rent in Cape Town, a Shabbat dinner in Paris, a yoga teaching gig in Zanzibar and so much more. The more I travel, the more this network grows—exponentially, it would seem. Couchsurfing is another amazing resource for making connections for friends and couches both.

    3. Be bold—ask questions.
    Every piece of information we could possibly need is available on the ground. No need to read travel forums, or even look up directions (although by all means do both if it sets your mind at ease). Depending on where I am in the world, there are metro maps, info centers, or throngs of aggressive taxi drivers at every possible port of arrival. Barring that, the local person sitting next to me on the bus/plane/train/ferry is usually an excellent resource.

    4. Get Lost and Like It.
    I have developed an impressive habit of always going the wrong way first. If it’s straight, I go left. If it’s left, I go right. I then employ method #3, ad infinitum, to take the longest route possible to my intended destination (thank you, legs). Getting lost is a common consequence of going in blind; even if we don’t like it, we can bring our sense of humor along for the walk.

    5. Set up a work trade.

    While it is 100% possible (and yes, fun and exciting) to just go explore a new place and find your way upon arrival, I have often found more depth and connection through work exchanges. Websites like wwoofing, workaway and helpx are just a few of many platforms for finding interesting, short-term placements abroad. Working or volunteering is, in my experience, one of the most effective ways to integrate into a community and create my place in the formerly unfamiliar. It is also an incredibly practical resource for information.

    6. Set up an Airbnb.
    If, like me, you need to work while you wander (or, also like me, you don’t want to commit to too much socializing), but still want an entree into local community, Airbnb is unparalleled. Set your price, browse your options, and choose a host who seems interesting. I’m still in contact with several of my Airbnb hosts, and owe unique memories (like tasting the best chocolate gelato in the whole world) to them.

    7. Keep up with hobbies.
    I always carry two extra pairs of shoes with me: dance and climbing. Dancing tango in Kenya, salsa-ing in Berlin and climbing in Cape Town, I’ve connected with people I never would have met otherwise. Same goes for surfing in Morocco and hiking in Spain. Those are my passions; follow yours, and you’ll find your people—anywhere.

    8. Become a regular.
    There is something uniquely grounding in being a regular customer (in a cafe, restaurant or even corner store)—in simply being recognized. When our default mode is anonymity, feeling seen, known, familiar offers a powerful sense of place. Especially when I have a few weeks or months somewhere, I find myself accumulating these “regular” spots. Though utterly departing from all known routine is a key—even necessary—element of travel for me, glimpses of familiarity within the unknown provide welcome—even necessary—moments of respite.

    9. Let go of should’s.
    I believe having a mile-long checklist of “must sees” and “must dos” limits potential for spontaneous discovery. I tend to get a decent amount of touristing in when I visit a new place, but I try not to force it. Excursions happen organically—often with new friends—when I genuinely want to do them, and not because I feel like I’ll be failing at travel if I don’t.

    10. Cook.
    My experience of travel altered hugely when I started to prepare a lot of my own meals (just as I used to when I lived in one place). Not all, of course, since tasting local cuisines is hands down the best part of traveling, but many. Wandering local markets, I’ve honed new language skills, felt rooted in my home-of-the-moment, and saved serious money. Choosing an Airbnb with a kitchen facilitates this, as does staying with friends. Cooking a beautiful meal has long been my favorite way to thank my hosts for their hospitality.

    11. Talk to strangers.
    They’re not scary—usually. When they are creepy, it’s usually pretty clear to my intuition. Strangers are typically one of three things: treasure troves of insider information, friends you haven’t met yet, or an excellent story for later. Instructions for talking to strangers: eyes up, shoulders down, words out.

    12. When all else fails, fail.
    I have days—sometimes weeks—where my social self goes into hibernation, my patience drops to zero, and the challenge of the unknown shifts from exhilarating to tiresome. When that happens, I take time to write, read, call friends and family, and simply be. No one can be “on” all the time. This lifestyle of exploration and discovery has curves and cycles, just like any other. These moments of pause make the adventure all the richer.
     
    May your journeys be—yours.

  • “Don’t go to Morocco Alone.” And other Fear-mongering you should Ignore.

    A rooftop terrace in Taghazout, Morocco.

    Me: “I’m thinking of going to Morocco.”

    Everyone: “Awesome! Just don’t go alone.”

    As you may have guessed, I didn’t listen to everyone, and here I am: in Morocco, very much solo, and so far quite pleased about it.

    (For the next month, I’ll be living in Taghazout, a small town on the Atlantic coast, teaching some yoga, learning the fine art of surf bummery, and generally winding down after an overly hectic few months. And I’ll have time to visit a few Moroccan cities afterward, not to worry!)

    There is a saying here, which a new friend taught me:

    One rotten fish can make the whole bucket stink.

    For those who work in the tourism industry, that rotten fish (in the form of robberies, political unrest or an isolated attack) is the proverbial boogeyman. Just a whiff of danger and foreigners will cancel their flights. An act of terror (as occurred while I was living in Kenya)? Total disaster for the industry—and, by extension, a great many people’s livelihoods.

    I digress somewhat. I don’t to tell you what happens to the tourism industry when the fear-mongers win. I want to tell you why you shouldn’t listen to them in the first place.

    Every country- or city-shaped bucket has a rotten fish—often many.

    In my opinion, those rotten fish are the reason why people will tell women not to travel solo to India, Zanzibar, Turkey, fill-in-the-blank-with-your-country-of-choice. “It’s not safe.” “Men don’t respect women there.” “It won’t be pleasant.” Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

    And sure, there’s a good chance I will encounter an asshole or two before I leave Morocco in six months’ time. I’ve spent time alone in all of the aforementioned countries, and I’ve had occasional negative experiences in all of them (though always far outweighed by the positive). But do you know where I’ve encountered the most assholes? On college campuses in the U.S. In Parisian metro stations. Walking down the street in Boston.

    So what can we learn here?

    ***

    Well, for starters, check your assumptions. Are you giving more credence to warnings of danger or disrespect because the destination in question is “over there”? Keep in mind that nowhere is perfect, and nowhere is particularly “safe.” I have yet to investigate, but I’ve heard Morocco may be one of the statistically safest countries in the world. Chew on that.

    Second, ask yourself if you’re discounting cultural differences. If so, you may be falling victim to the understandable yet problematic epidemic of Western ethnocentrism. That is, judging another culture purely by your own values. Quick tips for women wishing to avoid harassment while traveling alone: cover your hair, cover your shoulders, and cover your legs (generally, follow cultural codes for modesty and behavior). Oh yes, that’s problematic in its own way, and I take issue with it sometimes, but we don’t get to make the rules when we visit someone else’s home.

    Lastly, choose your devil, because there is nowhere—nowhere–you will be utterly and inalterably at ease.

    ***

    I (and just about every woman ever) learned since birth to fear. Fear attack. Fear violence. Fear bad men. Fear everything, right? Society teaches us that.

    And it’s true. Of course it’s true! The world is a scary place. Especially for women. We’re working on it, but we have a very, very long way to go. Change, however, has never happened when we stick to the status quo. Fear-mongering doesn’t keep us safe; it keeps us the same. So if you want something different, you have to ignore the fear-mongers.

    There’s a lot of space between reckless risk-taking and bubble-girl-style caution. Here’s what you may find there:

    > Deserted tropical islands where you can run naked across miles of sand, because you are totally, beautifully alone.

    > Kind shop owners who will invite you inside for tea, show you pictures of their wife and children, and invite you to stay with their family if ever you return to their country.

    > Fascinating strangers on trains, buses and trails, in hostels, campsites and smoke-filled restaurants, whom you never would have met if you hadn’t been traveling solo.

    > The best meal of your month, discovered only by following your nose and your intuition (yours alone) through a labyrinthine bazaar.

    > And last, but unavoidably, rotten fish. It’s part of the travel bucket. But hey, it’s part of every bucket, and you can’t avoid them all.

    I hope, if nothing else, this will make you think—maybe reconsider. Please share your thoughts in the comments if so inclined!

    ***

  • Strangers on a Train

    “We’re on our way to bible study,” says my friend. (He likes to make up stories, but let’s get real, who doesn’t?)

    It’s 10:00 pm, and we’re on the Circle Line, retracing our steps into Central London after hopping the wrong train. Across from us sits a young couple—friendly, talkative, and maybe a touch too willing to believe his absurd stories. They are sipping from a water bottle of vodka and fanta, on their way to a night out “raving.”
    Thus begins my Saturday night this past weekend. My friend alights at King’s Cross Station to head home, and I follow these strangers (soon to be friends) to Fabric, one of London’s most famous House clubs.
    We will meet another stranger on our way out of the Tube, and together walk to the venue. We will spend the next four or five hours dancing to some of the best House music I’ve heard in a year, adding new strangers (new friends) to our group as we went, and they will become, over the course of the night, no longer strangers.
    And all because we had all looked up across the aisle of a Circle Line train and said hello.
    A week prior, I went to meet my coworker in Oxford for the first time. On the trip home, the train was rush-hour packed—standing room only. Series of unexpected events, I found myself squished next to a fellow American; as foreigners are wont to do, we struck up a conversation, found it fascinating, and continued it over a particularly delicious dinner in Notting Hill.

    And all because I had asked (in my unmistakably American accent), “Is this the train to London?”
    When did we grow afraid of strangers? When did the popular wisdom for travelers shift from, trust the road and the good Samaritans who walk it, to, trust no one? When did two strangers—or four strangers—talking on the train become the exception, rather than the rule?
    I have an advantage, in that nothing about my thin five foot five frame and wide smile inspires fear or mistrust. There are fewer barriers for me to cross to arrive at the human beings inside their protective circles.
    Some of my most entertaining nights out, fascinating conversations and closest connections have occurred simply because I looked up and said hello. Though I occasionally forget and succumb to the comfortable bubble of my own world, I try to make a rule of talking to strangers—I have yet to regret it.
    And then, when you think about it, aren’t we all just strangers on a train?
    Busy watching for our station, looking out the window, or within, or anywhere but around us, we don’t realize that the train is it. There are no stations, no stops, and for all we know no destination.
    Our fellow passengers? We’re stuck with them—better hope they don’t smell—and we can make of that a party or a burden. The Buddhists will tell you the train is an illusion; the Jews will tell you it’s the only thing that’s real. One thing I know for certain: It’s what we make of the ride that counts.
    So we can either look up and say hello, and make the journey worthwhile, or we can keep staring at our shoes, waiting for the conductor to call our stop.

    Try saying hello to a stranger today and see what happens. Maybe they’ll tell you their life story. Maybe they won’t respond. Maybe that stranger will change your life—or your day, or your next ten minutes. But no matter what, isn’t it more interesting than your toes?

    ***

  • The Invisibility Wish


    Living here, I find I cycle between feeling very comfortable and, dare I say it, assimilated (as much as such a thing is possible), and feeling totally out-of-place and exhausted with sticking out. This is a stream of consciousness on the latter:

    Sometimes, I wish I could be invisible here.

    A foreign feeling for me, who always wanted so much to stand out;
    Now here, hard as I may try, I could not hope to blend in,
    And though it is freeing at times and instructive at others,
    Sometimes, I would like to be invisible.

    Anonymity—a luxury I never appreciated—suddenly seems so very appealing:

    To spend a day where no cars screech to a stop to watch me pass, and no strangers want to talk to me simply because I am white (or foreign, or tourist, or moneyed or different… it’s all the same. And it is because I am white and foreign; I watch the women walking here, and no one wants to talk to them)…

    To spend a day anonymous; to slip under the water of hyper-conscious observation and simply watch for a change; to sit on the bus in silence—what a day that would be.

    Sometimes, when every day is a crowded audience for which I perform my life, I wouldn’t mind stepping into the shadows and only watching for a while.

    But I can’t.

    You can’t watch without being watched. You can’t be an observer without creating ripples through the world you observe. I think physics taught us that.

    You can’t be a white woman in Africa without recognizing the remnants of colonialism. (Irrelevant that at my ancestors were far removed at the time, living their lives in Eastern Europe at the time. I am still a white woman in Africa, here.) You can’t be a tourist without accepting that your money talks and it’s saying, “come talk to me.” You can’t be a foreigner without relinquishing your right to anonymity.

    Or maybe you can, but I haven’t figured out the secret. I will have to do without invisible days and unobserved observation, as I do without good cheese and potable tap water. Luckily, I have a vivid imagination—sometimes I pretend laughing cow is really a luscious Camembert, and sometimes I pretend the shouts and stares are all imaginary, and the beach is really a calm and peaceful oasis.

    It’s all perspective, anyway.

    *** 

  • Links to Latest Article and the TV Interview That Followed

    I’ve had an exciting publication recently on Salon-
    http://www.salon.com/2013/10/07/tales_of_a_female_hitchhiker/

    …which led to a TV interview this morning with WGN:
    http://morningnews.wgntv.com/2013/10/25/woman-describes-challenges-excitement-while-hitchhiking-across-europe/

    Getting my foot in the door, one toe at a time!

    This will continue to be my personal travel blog, just as soon as I get traveling again. Stay posted!